#people perceived me as masculine
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^Slightly confused by this but decided to add it a n y w a y s
still so fucking weird to go from real life, where a cis man being flamboyant/effeminate/camp is judged like 70+% by how he speaks and carries himself, to online queer communities, which often seem to have no concept of male gender non-conformity that doesn’t involve wearing a skirt
#This is what I was talking about!#I mentioned to a moot the other day#that before transitioning— when I was a gnc ‘girl’ in men’s clothing#people perceived me as masculine#I remember my own mother seeing me one morning in my outfit for the day#and telling me I looked ‘butch’ and that no guy would ever like me or want to date me#because they’d assume I’m a lesbian#I was perceived as masculine because my clothes and attitude transgressed the feminine ideal#but after transitioning#people perceive me in the opposite direction#my style hasn’t changed. neither has my attitude#but my demeanor and attitude aren’t ’masculine enough’#to the point that it affects people’s perceptions of me#like I had a friend tell me recently. after I successfully identified a car: ‘I could never see you as a car guy. You hate manual labor.’#and I blinked. I hate going to public gyms. Because bathrooms. And people. I also hate running because my knees#but I used to dig holes for my father#(literally. my summers consisted of working in a gravel lot. no shade. digging holes for my dad)#and I also spent those summers working on my grandmother’s farm helping my grandpa out#a childhood of manual labor is why I’m shaped like a square today#and I volunteered to help out. I wanted to#even the slightest transgression against the masculine ideal—forget not being straight or cis—invalidates your manhood & masculinity#it’s fucking wild#<prev tags. Holy shit
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not enough discussion about the gavins' complicated relationship with feminine-coded/beauty products, i don't think.
#for klavier because it's not as direct it's about how we never see him actually wearing lipstick? even though apollo literally attends#a concert of his which is where you'd most expect him to wear makeup. but apparently he just doesnt. or at least not in public#klavier gavin#kristoph gavin#i feel like there are several ways you can read into it. the misogyny/toxic masculinity one is really obvious clearly with kristoph's#singling out of men specifically and klavier's (probably accidental?) condescending manner of calling women 'fraulein' plus his general#mildly patronising attitude towards many of the women in the game (also probably unintentional)#(i think he's trying to be charming and it's coming off wrong to some of them. like ema. and me.)#but i feel like there's also maybe an element of... inherent perfecfionism to it? like both of these products are conventionally beautifyin#products and kristoph while he is open to showing people he uses nail polish specifically chooses one that's clear and missable unless you#see him apply it. he also feels the need to justify his use of it and specifically spell it out as something he chooses to do rather than#needs to do even though duh. that should be obvious.#idk there's just something about his seeming need to take control of that narrative that i find interesting. his need to spin it into a#'there's nothing wrong with my nails but I had the foresight to see that even the smallest parts of my appearance should be kept immaculate#and it's a choice i'm making to refine an already adequate part of my personage /not/ to cover some unsightly defect.' the need to emphasis#that specifically is so. hm. and with klavier i could see it being a case of him liking makeup liking the pops of colour yet being unwillin#to admit to it because he's afraid that other people might see it as him being dissatisfied with his own appearance regardless of if he is#or isn't. or even just perceiving colourful makeup as being unseemly because it's so overt and unnatural.#like i can see this as them both viewing 'real' beauty to be that which is inherent to a person and seemingly effortless#thus somehow negating the beauty which one achieves through cosmetics or other external means.#and if you want to use external means to achieve beauty or neatness or whatever then your only valid options are those which blend into you#natural state. like clear nail polish. or really awful spray tan.#i feel like klavier's less confined by these ideas (if they hold merit at all) considering he actually owns coloured lipstick and he wears#jewellery (admittedly quite 'masculine' jewellery no gems or pearls or anything like that but jewellery nonetheless) but i think it just#makes it more interesting that he doesnt seem quite able to cross the line anyway. like it's that ingrained into his system.#anyway that's all i've got. you guys should tell me what you think too#annotations
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don't y'all think it's a little strange that for years I would get people asking my pronouns upon meeting me, and yet now in the first year or so I've been consistently passing & stealth I haven't been asked once? maybe it's not actually about trans people's comfort and instead rather about othering gnc people. maybe it's actually just a "woke" spin on "what are you, boy or girl"
#bc make no mistake‚ the reason they asked me pre-transition (& pre-consistently-passing) was bc I was gnc#they don't ask (people who look like) masculine guys for their pronouns#but they sure do‚ all the time‚ without fail‚ to (people perceived as) masculine girls#haven't ever been feminine so I can't say as to whether that's true of the reverse#I hate the current culture around pronouns + pronoun circles + trans ''acceptance'' SO much#o.#trans#transgender#pronouns#gnc#lgbt
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always able pass school but never able to pass as a man
#ramblings#vent#transmasc#dysphoria#?#idk if it counts as dysphoria...#im comfortable with my body#it's just the way that others perceive me that makes me feel like shit#like i try so hard to appear masculine#but ppl still call me “miss” and “ma'am”#and it's even shittier when my friend who ppl have mistaken as my TWIN on multiple occasions#is easily called “sir” by other ppl even when they don't try#we're both transmasc#and im happy that they pass so well#but like.#people always comment how we look so alike we could pass as twins#how is it that they look more of a guy than i do when many say we look the same??
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kind of immensely weird to me how strongly and widely the consensus opinion of what butchness (and/or masculinity in general) is appears to just be. being buff? like. agh.
#sometimes it does genuinely feel like people conflate the two words from what i can see. like. idk. agh#feels weird for me to be having strong feelings on this at all given. waves vaguely. but like. i see that sentiment often and like. its odd#like. what about this character is butch. or even masculine at all. she is literally just muscular.#a lot of the time it literally just seems to be. idk. people assigning masculinity (or lack thereof) by looking at the character's body typ#which. erm. hey. isn't this a pretty shit way to view gender presentation and identity. like. hello.#can probably make the issue Less Evident daily by ceasing to continue logging on to twt. but even then. we're also doing that arcane/utena-#thing here apparently. which. uggggggh. agh. i need to stop being allowed to perceive utena in polls like this or ill go crazy. but like. :#how did utena lose that. help. and people pulling that 'butchest girl twt can handle b4 getting scared' tweet on her. goddddd.#ughhhhhhhh. genuinely. what abt utena Isnt butch. not even comparatively but like. in what world is utena not butch. that is in fact.#a major aspect of her character. ughhhhh. whatever. whatever. i dont care.#but like. bringing the comparison back into the equation. like. how did a character whose masculinity is never even really acknowledged in-#the show win over. utena.#this post isnt even About that stupid fucking poll result. its abt something Else i saw on twt. but like. this is odd right.
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you guys do know that theres more to being gnc than clothes right
#like the post im talking about was about gnc women so thats what im going with#'people say that a woman with a ponytail and a sports bra is masc' mf what. she is if she wants to be#like its overall perceived as more sporty than like. butch i know that#but not taking the effort to do yr hair especially like. on weekends or if you arent conventionally attractive...#... makes you a target for harassment on the basis of being not feminine enough in many rl circles#but also. referring to myself as a boyfriend and brother and king and shit has gotten me Questions regardless of how i dress#ive been made fun of for my deep voice without someone even seeing me#and all the fuckin pathetic rules about holding the door and sitting and eating and swearing add up#really privileged to be like. hmmm i dont see leather jacket so how masculine 🤨#ESPECIALLY WOMEN WITH LONG HAIR. just say youve never met a black woman judged for the Wrong protective hairstyle#just say you think butch is a fashion style and a body type
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Sometimes I worry that I might actually be faking the whole not a lot of gender except a sprinkle of guy on top thing, and then i am aggressively gendered as a cis woman in day-to-day life and remember why i don't go out much.
#it's nothing new#i'm USED to it#it's just annoying#people are nice to me and all of that and i like going out and talking to people#but realizing that they perceive me as a woman and interact through that lens and say things about feminity and such and i'm like#no i do not know what makes a hat feminine or masculine. it is a hat#unless it is Very Clearly one way or the other i Do Not See It#no i can't quite tell if my own personal style is one or the other. i'm not really either and i like being a blob.#Yes i know how to dress well and prettily that makes me look very good#but for some reason i dislike it being complimented on by other people than my partner my close friends and my family#because when it's other people it tends to be 'oh you're dressing so feminine today it looks so good on you!' and thanks but#that's. not part of why i'm dressing like this today i just wanted to look hot#idk#is it weird ?#is it overthinking ?#it probably is#something something stop gendering me
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🗯
#lmaoooo at ppl responding to criticisms of the barbie movie with “yeah but we don’t want to think critically it’s not fun :(”#just. god.#the amount of brain damage the phrase let people enjoy things has led to is rlly shocking#yeah we r being ignorant but in our defense it’s easier to not care so actually ur the problem#like….?#if. you. don’t. care. just. Say That.#you don’t want to examine your own biases/experiences and how they affect your opinions#and people who do make you uncomfortable#which somehow translates to people who actually want to think critically are a problem??#not articulating myself at ALL rn but omfg#i enjoyed the barbie movie like it was decent#but the feminism was very surface level and very white centric#like obviously made with a corporation#so i’m actually getting really sick of seeing so many thin gender conforming cis women act like it’s fucking feminist theory#exact same demographic who act like hyperfeminity in women is punished more than masculinity#you feel me?#like ohmygod the movie was enjoyable it was funny!#but nothing abt it was revolutionary.#anyways rant over i think#which btw just doing this in tags bc this is literally only meant to be perceived my beloved mutuals and chido followers#i don’t need a random person arguing with me abt this so#personalish#edit: also just to add#why are people also being like oh so just bc it has to be a female director it has to be groundbreaking feminism?#valid point but wrong fucking movie bro#that’s a critique of criticism of movies by and abt women that are NOT billed as feminist#textbook whataboutism#this shit just makes my hateritis flare up#ughhhh
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Haha would y’all be mad if I said I might be a trans man
#HAHA…. like nothing is set in stone or anything but god how much longer can I keep this in idk#weird shit is happening#I entertained the idea a lil and it just keeps growing more and more#I don’t try to suppress it but I think more and more about my identity and question if that’s actually it#I’m so sick of being seen as a girl/woman I wanna take t now#but I dunno if that’s just me hating being misgendered and I’m actually just nonbinary#I don’t know I don’t know#being seen as masculine and dressing masculinely makes me so happy#I feel like if I bring this up to people they will brush me off and discard it like ‘HA you could never be a man. you?? really??!’#and I feel like those are stopping me#there’s conflict with my identity#I care too much about how others perceive me
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I feel like a bit of a fraud lol…
#text post#having more gender and sexuality thoughts and stuff#I realize I only ID as nonbinary bc I actually just don’t know what my gender is#some nonbinary people a very confident in their identity as that and I’m just over here like ‘idk bro’#i feel like when I present as masculine it’s more comfortable but it feels like im tricking people into thinking im a trans guy#but when I present as feminine it’s ‘not enough’ I want high femme fantasy like a fashion doll or Lolita fashion#but I can’t achieve that so I feel like im failing short#and it’s impossible for me to present as androgynous to other because of how people perceive black people#this coupled with being bi and how people treat bi people and still not feeling as ‘gay’ as everyone else#fuck man…
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Sorry. I meant cis ted.  I would never baby girls transman that would be offensive.
???? yeah i mean. i kind of figured you probably meant cis ted, i was saying I got distracted on the topic of feminization kink. also i mean. yeah it CAN be offensive but i was talking about how me, as a trans man, enjoys feminization kink on a trans male/transmasc character (in this case trent, sorry) bc i project a lot😩 and it's fun specifically because of the inherent contradictory na--i mean i did explain this? didn't i? i. sorry??
#please tell me im not about to get a bunch of anon hate for . [checks notes] having a kink#anyway i only like it done a certain way like. im not into misgendering or whatever its more just like. ohhh idk how to explain it rn#Again. Headache#but like. its ABOUT the contradictory nature of it its ABOUT how it#ironically--perhaps paradoxically--is validating of my/his gender#and like i mean. aftercare. praise kink anyone? good boy? love that shit. validation.#like. it's just. a guy can enjoy being feminized. and a trans guy is a guy#with as much wide variety as cis guys#and sometimes hes into that! and not necessarily in the specific Misgendering way but just. in the regular way. like a cis guy might be. yk#sources: I Am Into It And I'm Transmasc#anyway tldr IM babygirling trans trent bc id like to masculine enough to be babygirld.#plus ngl it just plays into my Complicated Gender Feelings#one of my ideal genders (i collect them like a dragon#im fluid i think but i lean very masc but in different shades?) is like#i want to look like a boy in girl's clothing if that makes sense. masculine enough that i could wear a dress and people would think#'guy in a dress' not 'lady' but still like. you know. wearing the dress.#and this plays into that--being masculine enough that you can be feminized and still be recognizably a guy? or know that you are still like#you and your partner still Know and Perceive you're a guy? you know?#the security of that in your own gender + safety/trust in your partner + it's FUN it's just fun#idk how else to explain it man but it's literally me projecting my personal feelings#also idk what emoji that is it wont load for me rip#ANYWAY sorry to derail thats why i did it in the tags. im just like#honestly not as interested in ted getting railed which--again not that it's not valid but it's also like 90 percent of the fan content for#the ship and like. again that's not invalid or Not Canon or something im just more interested in WRITING about trent getting railed#bc i have blorbo disease and my own preferences yknow?#askbox#anonymous#if i get like. Cancelled over this. im going to. like. walk into the sea
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currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday
#but actually. i’ve realized that like. 95% or more of my attraction to men has been comphet#i thought it wasn’t because i’ve been more or less identifying as bi since i was 11#so like. i figured if i didn’t like men at all i would’ve figured it out sooner?#it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i resolved to stop dating straight & masculine guys because i feel like i’m performing for them#and my current partner of 2.5 years is amab and socially perceived as a man but he’s bi and sees himself as ‘void of gender’#which is also the way i see him but not the way most people see him#he does get mistaken for a woman a fair ammount though. which brings us both a lot of joy lol#but anyway. my crisis is that i’ve been feeling more and more detached from the bi label because i feel like it implies attraction to men#and i’ve known for a little while now that i’m almost exclusively attracted to femininity and androgyny#and primarily attracted to women in general#like if i weren’t with my partner i would 100% be out there dating women and maybe? identifying as a lesbian#but i feel like i have no claim to that label especially with my current partner who is not a woman and is much more androgynous than fem#idk. do i keep calling myself bi? it feels like i’ve slipped away from it#i’ve been using queer a lot more lately because umbrella terms are the only thing that seem to make sense to me anymore#i know labels can be super complicated and unhelpful in some cases but i also want to know where my place is in the community ya know?#i feel so confused without a solid label and it’s causing me a lot more stress than it should#(also my partner is such a blessing and said he’d be supportive if i ever felt i needed to leave him to be with women)#(like he said ‘i’d be sad for a while but i’d still be your best friend) and i was just 🥺#this may be even longer than my last tag novel lmao i just hate the idea of putting this stuff in the body of the post#anyway if any pals/mutuals read all that and have any insight or advice i’d be curious to hear#reena.txt
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Tbh I am a girl only out of inertia
#Sometimes I hear people referring to me with female pronouns and it feels wrong. But so do masculine and gender neutral pronouns#So basically what I am saying is that I don't want to be perceived#Personal
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watched the new jordan theresa video and it got me thinking about how people perceive me in public
#because like???#do people really lean on gender roles that much???#like do they seriously judge people on how well they conform to them????#like maybe I’m just autistic and I never noticed#but no one where I’m from seemed to give a shit????#and it’s not like I’m from somewhere super progressive or anything#but assuming people do go through the world like that#is that why no one talks to me in grocery stores??#because I’m dressed more masculinely and my hair isn’t done and I’m not wearing makeup#like is that why doctors always kinda treat me funny???#my inconsistent conformity/nonconformity to gender roles?#is this why people didn’t really talk to me in middle/high school???#like I’m over here thinking that I could be pushing my gender expression even more#but how far am I pushing it already to the average cishet person???#god and combined with the fact that I often walk very fast and purposefully whenever I’m out#women aren’t supposed to walk confidently y’know#(don’t get me started on being perceived as a woman okay)#just like…..#how much of people treating me kinda weird is Me Being Weird#and how much of it is Them Being Weird#y’know????#anyway
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anyways on this episode of izzy's gender fuckery crisis we have this update: oki so like being referred to as a girl and solely a girl and being forced to be feminine because "syempre babae ka kailangan ka maging babae (ofc since u r a girl u have to act like one)" irritates me to death. Other modes of feminine presentation aka skirts and dresses and anything that makes me appear too much of a feminine person also legitimately SCARES ME TO DEATH especially when I'm forced to do so.
however, that being said, upon further introspection on the chick i once really really liked that is now presenting more masc than ever, I have realised that I am not too comfy presenting myself as too masc either. like, I don't want people to look at me and perceive me as a duuuuude , but I don't want to present myself too femininely either as it legitimately makes my skin crawl. like, I find myself comfy in men's clothes and styling but if I imagine/see myself presenting way too much like a man, then I feel very weird and not in a good way - which is weird kasi I thought I would like being more masc presenting given my absolute panic attack-inducing aversion to appearing typically feminine. So anyways the gist is androgyny is my best friend and I would rather be perceived as a blob than as a specific gender
#like fjdj LOOK THIS STARTED WITH TWO THINGS:#a.) the chick i once really liked becoming more masc leaning by the hour#and b.) eloise davies. please do visit her instagram and you'll see what i mean#so like i've figured out my type and its once-femme-presenting women embracing more of their masc side#but while looking at eloise's insta page i thought to myself: oki so like eloise's clothing style screams comfort to you#but do you wanna dress like them in public though#like do i want the world to perceive me as more masc#because like i certainly dont wanna be perceived as typically feminine#so like shouldn't i be more comfy and more accepting of myself if i stylized myself more masculinely and everything#and um the answer to that is no because i feel weird either way like fjdnd#its like i look into the mirrors with both versions on display and yet both say the same thing: this isn't you#like its like id rather not have my gender perceived...at all. like i just want people to ignore that shit when they see me#like just perceive me for what i choose to highlight - my traits and whatnot- but ignore the ones i dont deem too important to who i am#i may be rambling rn but its just because I LEGIT DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE EVEN TO MY IRL FRIENDS#bECAUSE I CANT EVEN UNDERSTAND THIS GENDER CRISIS ON MY OWN LIKE fjdjd i dont know what i want#other than just being perceived as a living organism that does not give a fuck about gender#and would rather not be bound by the constraints and expectations that come with compliance#anyways i hope this made sense esp to my fellow gender crisis fuckery bros because like. tbh i kinda need solidarity here kasi#i cant understand shit gjcjd#personal shit
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